Trying to find my way through the fear...

This week has given me a lot of time to think and plan.  And while some of this has included paying bills (I hate being an adult), and thinking about relationships and how I want them to move, I also came back to what has been haunting me for the past 3 years.

I know that I won't be happy with my career until I go back to grad school.  I know that I will always wonder where I could be, what I could do, and how I could be challenged.  I love my career, but it's not always a challenge.  I am always looking for the next step.

Many of you know, my supervisor was let go a few months ago.  They needed to cut a position in my department due to tough economic times.  So, here I am again, at the top of where I want to be.  And it brings me back to the fact that I still want to go to grad school.

But as I look at my bills and look at my relationships, those hold me back.  I've gotten to know some great people in Charlotte, and the thought of moving again scares me.  My house is less than 3 years old, and with the current market, selling the house to help pay for grad school, or taking out a second mortgage, might not be an option.  And although things should improve by the time I get ready to go, I still have to put myself in a good financial position to take the classes that I need to take to be competitive for application time.

So, I'm sitting here again, wondering what I'm supposed to be doing.  It scares me that I might not graduate from grad school until I'm 30.  And I know this is normal.  But it's not Amy normal.  Do you know I've always accomplished my goals?

Many of you have already read the blog I wrote about why I want to go back.  Studying international economic systems, specifically foreign welfare systems, fascinates me.  In a nerdy, I should probably get a life and quit boring people kind of way.  And politics fascinate me.  So, going into school and studying international economic systems and then serving as the economic advisor to a politician, whether mayor or President, would be an amazing, challenging, stressful job.  I simply cannot do this with a bachelor's degree in music from a state school.  

But I wonder if I could even do this with a master's degree from the top-ranked international business school in the country.  It is this fear that keeps me from moving forward.  What if I spend the $100,000 on the education simply to be sitting in a pile of student loan bills again with a job as a social worker?

Of course, I know that a masters in international business or economics is going to open a lot of doors, even if they aren't the doors I wanted open.  I'm just still fearful, as I'm finally digging out of my debt, of accruing more debt again.

Besides, what if I do go to Emory or South Carolina or London, and everyone is so much more intelligent?  Am I really prepared?

I feel as if I've been talking about this forever, and the timing still isn't right.  My goal was for fall of 2010.  I wonder if this will still happen...

Pamper Yourself for Cystic Fibrosis

Wednesday night, we got to have some fun and pampering at Modern Salon and Spa for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. For a $10 donation, we received hair consults, makeovers, massages, nails, etc... I was waiting on the boys to get there so I could get some pics of their nail polish action, but unfortunately they decided to opt for the massages instead.

Here are a couple of shots from the night:

I let something go on Monday. After a week of 3 major stresses, I decided to attack number 3. If it wasn't making me happy anymore, I had to fix it. So I dug in my heels, and I did.

It was hard in ways, easy in others. I wish it had worked out with everything in me, but I have to trust that since it didn't, the best is yet to come.

The Case for Giving to Nonprofits

It's that time of year. Everyone's in the giving spirit. And people start giving money left and right to charity, even in these hard times.

I, for example, will be attending 3 charity events in the next 10 days. Second String Santa, Beards Because, and Cystic Fibrosis Foundation will each be getting a donation from me, during a time where I'm having a hard time trying to make ends meet. It's sad, but true.

So, it wouldn't be me if I didn't tell you my peeves about this time of year. Everyone is throwing parties, making donations, and having a great time in the name of charity. And of course, I am totally psyched about that. But here's where I can have some issues...

1-Yes, it's great to go to a party and make a donation and have fun. But do one thing. Research the charity. When we did the Halloween party, we were handing out little info cards at the door. The cards had the Guys with Ties website and the Bethlehem Center website on it, as well as a cute factoid, "Your donation tonight sent a kid on an educational field trip." Most people just stuck it in their wallet (honestly, that's really all it was worth... stick it in your wallet and find it the next day and remember it). Some actually remembered. I actually met up with J after the check presentation for drinks, and when he introduced me to his friends as working at the Bethlehem Center, the guy goes, "Oh, yeah! You're the Halloween party!" That's half the point of it, folks. We want you to know who we are. But then, here's my peeve. We had one guy, as Jill was handing him the card, go, "I don't care who it's for. I'm just here to party." Wow. Seriously, you just said that to someone who works with the kids daily??? I hope that someone gets that card and researches what we do. I hope that someone decides they want to mentor one of the kids because they heard of us. I hope that someone ends up becoming a donor and helping support the programs. But at the very least, please just research the charity you're supporting.

2-People throw parties because they want to help needy families. This is a great premise! I love it! But then, they don't know who to help. So, they start their own toy center or clothing drive or whatever and give these things out to "needy" families. But let me make you aware of something. Salvation Army, Department of Social Services, Bethlehem Center, and other "Angel Tree" agencies work very very hard around Christmas time to cover the needy families in the area. This means two things. 1, we have a certain amount of families that we help, and sometimes struggle to cover those families and 2, we have processes in place to avoid duplication of services. So what does this mean? It means that those families you're giving toys to might be turning around and going to DSS or Salvation Army or Bethlehem Center and getting two times the "stuff", while our three agencies are still struggling to find donors for the families that didn't get sponsored at all. If you want to start your own party, I suggest you find agencies that really need the help. I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. I hate it when we lose money to those agencies that are telling me on the side, "We have plenty of money." GRRRRRR.... So glad we might not be able to send all of our kids to camp next year because your agency collected a grant you didn't need...


So, have fun, but do your research. Charity Navigator, BBB, and other websites can help you out, but won't have info about smaller nonprofits (BC is actually not listed on these, but I'm working on it).

Music on the Greenway

I love it when I'm actually proud of my photography. Like, honestly, for real, really proud. One is the famous (or infamous) foot shot from Africa.


Last night, I was able to shoot at Grubbs' Music on the Greenway. I took pictures of one of the bands featured on Grey's Anatomy, which was definitely exciting since that's my favorite show. But I also shot for the first time, possibly ever, in completely manual mode. Very tricky, but once I had the settings down, I was golden for the rest of the night. So fun.

Because people are asking me to blog about photography

Really. That's just insanity. It's like that was the original point of the blog or something.

I had a few requests for my blog last night or for more pictures or something along the lines of, "You haven't posted any pictures lately. That's not like you." Wow. People care. I'm touched.

So, here's the status of things. I still reeeeally really really (can I say really?) want to start shooting weddings. There are a couple of things that I need first before I can do this. One is a shoe-mount flash, and another is a faster telephoto. About $800 right there. So for now, I want to do a couple of engagement and bridal portrait sessions. The problem is, I have no idea where to start. So if you happen to be reading this, just got engaged, and are looking for a (very) affordable e-session or bridal portrait photographer, talk at me. :-)

But for now, here are a couple of great 'ens I got from playing with the kids on Halloween. Love 'em!

It makes me sad...

I learned something from the movie Mean Girls. I know, I know, but stay with me.

I learned that the reason girls put other girls down is because they are so insecure with themselves, that they have to find something wrong in others. Most people who know me well, know that I have a huge insecurity when it comes to blondes, particularly guys leaving me for blondes. It's this horrible thing that I still haven't been able to shake even after 3 years of working things out with God and friends. Now, granted, I have phenomenal blonde friends that I love and adore, but when it comes to my man being anywhere near one, I would have to punch him in the face. Seriously.

So, it occurs to me that this frequently happens with young girls. I'm insecure about my hair color, so I bash on the girl's intelligence or drive. But with grown men, this doesn't often happen. Except in the world of politics.

It has made me so sad in the past few months to see the mudslinging going on in politics. Not from Obama and McCain, or their Campaign Managers, but from the Christians that seem to cling so hard and fast to their Bibles. Our McCain is perfect, they cry, as they do everything to rip Obama to shreds.

But what saddens me most is that as we have been distracting ourselves through this hatred, we are missing the point as to what we are doing most... dividing the Body. Things that should be disagreements held in civility, that do not change the Truth, have now come to a head with bashing, name-calling, and finger-pointing.

I personally voted for Obama. Not because I'm pro-choice and not because I'm African American, but because I feel like we need things to move and turn around in this country, and frankly, McCain reminded me way too much of Bush.

But half of you, just now when I said that, called me a non-Christian. You said that I'm for killing babies. You said that I'm anti-gun. You might have even called me a Socialist.

It seems to me that the devil is getting his way when we do that. At what point are we going to trust God to get things done His way?

I am a planner. This isn't news for anyone who has known me for more than 5 minutes. I also am a control freak. Also not news. And I have trust issues. Again. No news.

So, when a guy that I had just met told me that everything will be ok, I did not trust him.

Boy, was I wrong.

Friday night was incredible. I want to relive it. In fact, I do, over and over in my head. We got there about half an hour late, which seemed like a sure sign things weren't going to go well. Jason had scheduled me alongside him all night long, so after we sat in the hall by the VIP entrance for an hour without a single person coming in, I was a little scared to go into the main room. Then, we went up to the front door, passing through the nearly empty bar. Again, this is all making me a little nervous.

And then the chaos hit. By 11 o'clock, there was a line around the block, even though I had no idea because we were taking in money as fast as our hands could move. When I finally took a call outside, I was informed that the line was so long and there was such a long wait that people were going home. As much as I hate that we didn't reach our attendance potential because of that, it is also a pretty heady thing that I was involved with something that was so huge people were being turned away. I mean, while some Charlotte bars have to fake long lines (*cough* Suite *cough*) ours was a reality. Two floors packed to the brim with people. It's a good thing there was no fire.

The most fun I had from the night, I will not lie, was getting to know the Guys With Ties. I had come to their first Halloween party two years ago, so I already knew OF some of the guys, but it was really cool to get to talk to them a little while. If it weren't for the fact that half of them are already taken, I'd probably have found the future husbands for a handful of friends. These are fun guys with great hearts, and it was nice to feel so protected by all of them.

In true Amy style, I want to go ahead and let you all know how you can help Guys With Ties. This year, Guys With Ties has been selected as the beneficiary of the Bartender's Ball. Make sure to get your tickets before November 20th to save yourself a little cash!

More pictures and blogs about the Monster Mash:
obsent.blogspot.com
carolinanightlife.com

Life has changed so much in the past week, but I only have a 5-minute blog-time window.

I have a lot of news that I'm busting to tell, but most I know I can't tell publicly. At least not yet.

This weekend, we are the beneficiaries of the Guys with Ties Halloween party. This means that Jason, the president, and I have been non-stop on the phone with each other. He is very calm, cool, and collected... I, as a control freak, am trying to put all of my trust in a man I met a month ago. It's been very difficult, and I'm hoping he hasn't caught on to it. But on top of it all, I'm trying to plan a walk in 5 weeks. Normally these things are planned in 9 months, with a full committee, and lots of PR. And even then, first year events typically break even or lose money.

Then my personal life seems to be merging with my professional life more than usual. I used to do that all the time, and so I swore I never would again. But out of pure coincidence, I have found everything kind of coming together.

More to come later. Sit back. Grab some popcorn. Watch it all unfold.

Shawn McDonald at CharlotteONE:

I heart Shawn McDonald. I do hope that when I do get married, my husband can sing and play the guitar like that. For realz.

I was "introduced" to Shawn a year ago when he was supposed to be coming to CharlotteONE: and immediately fell in love (with his music, that is). It's perfectly my style... mellow and acoustic, with a great mix of sounds. Plus, dude can skat like nobody's business... and for a girl who always saw herself singing jazz professionally, that's definitely something that impresses me.

So, after a year of waiting, I finally got to see Shawn in concert last night at CharlotteONE:, a Christian young adult and singles ministry that I have been involved in over the past couple of years.

Since I am always one to take any excuse to practice my photography more, I had camera in tow. I started out on the balcony so that I wouldn't disturb anyone (other than Tiffany and Jason, of course, who I sat beside... I'm sure they loved that!). When I saw that Andrew, one of the official CharlotteONE: photographers was not there, I decided to move around some more and try and get some better shots. Turns out, mine from the back of the room with my crappy 70-300mm lens came out the best. But yes, Dave, I still lust over your L lenses.

Here are the shots from the night. I struggled with how much to edit these, so I really didn't very much. Adjusted wb on a couple, cropped out a couple, but that's pretty much it. I think I would make Andrew proud for that one. ;-)

Weekend o' rainy fun

One of the perks of being a pk is that every once in a while, people gift their leftover "stuff" to us. This, in the past, has meant free Clemson/Carolina tickets, a buffet of food waiting on us when we got back from trips to Ohio to visit the grandparents, and most recently, a free beach house.

The unfortunate thing is that I often bring rain with me when I visit Wilmington, and this weekend was no different. This meant lots of shopping, lots of puzzle-doing (we finished 1 per day), and lots of playing with the new "toy"... my 16-month-old nephew Owen. I will definitely miss being greeted by, "MAMEEE" when I come out to the kitchen for breakfast.

Here are a couple of shots I got from the weekend. I was hoping for fun beach shots, but since we were stuck in the rain, the weekend didn't provide for very many exciting picture times.

It's Megan's 21st birthday in a couple of weeks, so we had a pre-emptive celebration. Fun stuff!

Don't you love how I was able to get this cool lens flare across her face? Really? OK, seriously, no clue how that happened and too frustrated with Photoshop to fix it...

My nephew has a puppy...

OK, so not as hyper as Molly, but still cute! Working on editing out pictures right now, so this is straight from the camera, but will post the others soon!

I am skipping town...

Leaving the bills behind, the stress, the... everything.

I'm leaving to town, heading to Wilmington to be with my family.

My hopes are...

...Cuddling Owen instead of the dog (though I will miss the dog)
...Clearing my mind
...Spending time with God
...Spending time with the rest of the family
...Getting some great portfolio shots, using family as models. :-)

Talk atcha later. :-)

Want to feel like a model?

In my escapades yesterday, I scouted a lot of cool locations for photoshoots (some stolen from Cheyenne, I won't lie!) I had a blast, but shots without people=way boring.

If you want to feel like a model and help me out at the same time, let me know. We'll go have fun uptown playing model and photographer.

I know, I know, here is where I get cussed out by all the "real" photographers for doing this for free...

I heart Charlotte (and vacation)

As one of the few people that can really say I'm from "round here" I am one of the ones that usually buzzes by uptown. The only time I'm up there is for CharlotteONE:, or possibly some random meeting, so my ability to explore the city is pretty limited.

But this week, I'm on vacation. So, of course I took the opportunity to break out my camera and practice. The light was reeealy harsh, and I'm still not very skilled in shooting in it, but I was luckily able to fix most of the photos (yay Photoshop!)

Social Economic Reform

I had been trying to find my passion. I had been searching for what I wanted to do in Atlanta.



And then I went to Africa.



The third night in Africa, I started talking to a woman. She was from Australia, currently residing in London, and had just come back from living in the slums of Kenya for 2 weeks. I felt a little guilty complaining about our goat at that point.



She and I stopped to talk politics. Now, whether you are into politics or not, but particularly if you are, I strongly suggest you talk politics with someone not from the US. It gets interesting.


But we didn't talk about the election. We talked about economics. Specifically, the different welfare systems.

In Kenya, I was amazed by the fact that Kenyans will walk miles just for the chance at a job. They walk to a possible job site every morning, the "hiring manager" picks who they want for the day (according to our driver, approximately half), and if they don't get picked, they walk home. And start it again in the morning.

In the United Kingdom, health care is provided for all, and their welfare system accounts for 50% of government spending.

In the United States, housing, food, and healthcare are provided by those under the poverty line. In Charlotte, a woman living in government subsidized housing without a job pays $25/month in rent. Once that woman finds a job, rent in the same house goes up to $500/month.

I heard once that you should only write about things you know. I want to say that shifting government spending towards education versus welfare would be much more economically beneficial, but first I want to know that for sure based on numbers and facts. So, for the next several months, maybe years, I will be researching the welfare systems of foreign countries, as well as our own.

Am I a nerd to find this interesting?

I went to the library Tuesday to crunch and recrunch my budget. It was hair-pulling, frustrating, and about gave me a heart attack.

Then I realized I left my roommate's rent out of it, and I was really relieved.

Until she e-mailed me letting me know she is moving out at the end of the year. Crap.

I guess I must've known it was coming. I really don't want to get another one. I don't live with other people well, and I figured that one out the hard way (or the easy way?) But, it left me with a lot of decisions to make, which has stressed me out to the max.

Do I want to get a second job? Yeah, that's a negatory. Other than the fact that I would love (let's reemphasize the "love" in this) to start second shooting at weddings ASAP, there really isn't much else that I'm remotely interested in doing. I mean, for me to have a second job, it'll need to be something that I enjoy on top of helping supplement the bills. I enjoy bartending, I really do, but the past couple of weddings that I've worked at, I spent more time in awe over the 40D's on the dance floor than the guy trying to get a vodka/tonic.

OK, so let's just make a little side note. My goal in life is not to be an award winning, awe inspiring photographer. At least not right now. But with my experience in wedding planning, how can you not want to capture all of those details that the wedding planner worked hard to put together? Seriously.

So, anyway, I have a few decisions to make about my finances. It's a matter of knowing what's best for me. I know what a financial planner will tell me, but knowing myself, I'm trying to make the best decisions based on what I can actually execute. And the thing is, I feel so guilty because I know I should leave it fully up to God. But panic attacks still ensue...

I had an intern just complete her term yesterday. She reminded me of me when I was her age. Which, when I said that to her, seemed to insult her. Which in turn insulted me.

But the reason she reminds me of me at her age is because she's upset about the same things I was. You go to school for four years, you work hard for good grades and a great resume, and then you get out just so someone can tell you they either won't hire you until you have experience, or that they will hire you to do menial grunt work like washing cars or waiting tables. Seriously, it took a college degree to do this??

And then I reminded myself of the girl who was over me that year I was first out of college. Her name is Mary. Mary was very well-known in the industry for her age. She had worked three jobs before and was now mid-management. But Mary and I butted heads like nobody's business. She would get frustrated with me for the fact that I would always complain about how I was still waitressing with a college degree. When Mary left the Club, we found in her desk files on all of us employees. These were files that we had never seen, were never reviewed with us, but were just turned into her boss as reports. Mine said something about the fact that I complained about having to wait tables as a college graduate.

The thing is, back then all I wanted was for someone to teach me something more higher level. I knew balance sheets and financial reports, but nobody would trust me with them.

I think if I have an intern again, I will try and do a better job at figuring out what their niche really is and growing them in it. But if there are any 22-year-old fresh graduates out there, I want to give you some advice. You have to pay your dues all over again. I know it's hard to take. But trust me on this, as someone who knows. If you pay your dues correctly and with accuracy, eventually your supervisor will trust you with more, and will give you more. But if you don't, they will make you re-pay your dues until you get it right.

Now, I didn't get on this to talk about that, I actually wanted to talk about something different. A few days ago, I went in to check my account. I had been going out to dinner a lot all week, so I wanted to make sure what I thought was in my account, actually was. Guess what? It wasn't.

You would be surprised how quickly $10 here and $10 there can add up. I rechecked the numbers, and as crazy as it sounds, apparently the bank got the math right. So, I was down to $10 to last from Sunday to Wednesday (it's Tuesday as I type this).

But wait. That sounds like a challenge to me!!!! $10 to live off of for 3 days??? Suh-weeet!

So Sunday, I had Moo Moo Mr. Cow at Moe's. Sunday night I ate at church. Monday I ate at the golf tournament. And today, I had a Subway $5 footlong (half for lunch, half for dinner).

But this makes me think. First off, I never want to be in this situation again. I want to have tons leftover at the end of the month to put in savings. But secondly, when I was first out of college, I made quite a bit less and often had to live on a ridiculously tight budget. I'm talking ramen and tuna, my friends. So why can't I seem to do that now?

Well, the truth is, I can. And I will. So here's the challenge. I am going to start taking out cash for the week. And I'm going to drastically cut what I'm spending, so that I can put more money into savings every month. I'm going to quit acting like a selfish brat and actually do with my money what I should be doing!!! OK, enough preaching to the choir...

I cannot believe I finally figured out what that button is for...

For the first time tonight, I came back and uploaded pictures...122 of them... and was really proud of my work.





A few weeks ago when at our picnic, I was "playing with" (meaning, staring in awe at) Andy's D300. For all of you who know nothing about cameras, go ahead and skip this paragraph, b/c it won't make any sense. I thought that the ISO button on the top was just a Nikon thing (darn you, Canon!) but Jeremy let me know that the 40D's have them as well (darn you, $1200 body!) Anyway, so by some miracle today, I remembered to switch my ISO's when my shot wasn't coming out right. This, alone, is huge progress. My dummy self always comes back with pictures that are either too dark or noisy.





Anyway, just uploaded the pictures, and my critiques of myself are that I didn't get out of the cart enough. I should've gotten a little closer to the players, but was trying not to distract them as well. But, for the most part, they were in focus (yay!) and decently composed. My stupid self needs to realize that if I don't like the shot on the little LCD on my camera, I'm probably not going to like it on the big LCD on my computer. Silly, silly me!





Anyway, here are a couple of shots from the day:

These guys were so cute. I think these guys are what I want my husband to look like in about 40 years . :-)

I left my camera at home this weekend. It took every ounce of effort.

So, I'm sitting here at 10:00, anxiously awaiting the photos that I willingly surrendered to the hands of my other friends. Come on, facebook...

I was very very sick all last week. I didn't want to lose my vacation days, so I sucked it up and went into work, but I felt like crap pretty much the entire week. On Thursday night, I was in so much sinus pain I tossed and turned the entire night. So, I went to work exhausted on Friday, and came straight home and to bed. This meant that I felt a lot better on Saturday.

Still, if any of you suffer from allergies, you know how it works. Eventually you get to the point where your head/glands/eyes feel like they aren't going to explode, but still the remnance of a week trying to breathe remain in your nasal cavities in the form of extreme pain.

But Saturday, after spending a week away from the gym, I decided that I needed to have a slow make-up day. I went in and did 10 minutes on the treadmill, slow but with a 3% incline. Nice little warm-up. So then I do some abs, and move on to arms. So far so good. As I was working on my shoulders, my nose starts to run. Crap. So I wiped and moved on. My nose started running again on rep 8 of 10, so I decided to just let it run for the next 2. Then the thought occured to me that it might not be that my nose is actually running. Yup. I was the girl using the weight machine while blood was running down my face. I'm pretty hard core like that.

I'm taking this as a sign that I should slow down. I think probably after not getting home before 9 or 10 on most nights, I need to have nights to myself.

Side note. I'm sitting here watching You've Got Mail, and the check-out girl who is the one in the cash line that gives Meg Ryan's character a hard time about using a credit card in the cash line, is the same girl that plays George's ex-wife on Grey's Anatomy. I love when that happens.

My last truly private post...

I checked my stat counter yesterday. Apparently people are actually reading this thing. I guess I shouldn't find that very shocking since I do have this blog posted a couple of places, but apparently I'm linked on other people's blogs, and when I post on others' blogs people are coming to check out mine when they see my comments, etc... Not to mention, scroll back a couple of days ago, and my favorite photographer, based out of Jacksonville, commented on my blog. Seriously, that made my day. And also scared me a little, because it made me realize that you never know who's reading!

So, I'm going to try and start transforming this blog into what it originally was meant to be... a document of my growth (or lack thereof, at times) in photography. PS-If you are a photographer reading this, go to my first post. It might just crack you up to see that I actually have come a long way in just a few months.

But since I'm only up to 15 readers, I figured I would put one last private post up here. Not that I won't be personal at times, but not this personal.

I typed up the entire story, and realized it probably isn't the best idea to put eeeverything up here.

I've had to separate myself lately from one of my best guy friends, which has been very difficult. There was never a big secret of my feelings for him last winter, so what has now happened is that any time he and I are together, people give us funny looks.

So, here's the truth. Sometimes I want to ring his neck for not seeing why we would be good together. Sometimes he frustrates me because he's not always there for me the way I wish he would be. But mainly, I moved on back in April, and it frustrates me that people don't understand this.

Because I have had feelings for someone else for a long time. Because every time that this guy and I get close enough to dating, someone brings up the sensitive topic of the best friend that I'm trying to separate myself from. And even if I end up not dating this other guy, I want whoever I DO end up dating to have a fighting chance. And let's face it, competing with a published photographer and author who has quit his full-time job to do God's work as a missionary can be kind of intimidating for a guy. Particularly when this guy still eats off my plate. Just sayin...

Mostly, though, it angers me that I let other people's opinions into my head too much. There are still people who think that he and I are going to end up together. And so I start to think, "OK, maybe they're right... maybe I'm not seeing something they are, and we are going to end up together..." But then I spend time with him, and I remember the many reasons why we never will be. He will have to change major things to be with me. And I will have to change major things to be with him. And in the end, both of us love those things about ourselves, so we aren't going to change.

I just hope people will start to respect our wishes.

It has come to my attention that my readership doubled this week. That's kind of put a lot of pressure on me to actually do something worth reading. It also has made me realize that I can't get as personal any more. That makes me sad a little. But for all 15 of my readers, I will post a special blog after this one. :-)

There is someone in CPMG who is one of those photographers that will whip you around, pull you, sit you exactly where she wants you to be, and takes the picture. In turn, she gets amazing photographs. I mean, Amazing.

I absolutely hate when people do this to me, so I try not to do that when I'm taking pictures. I try to be stealth, sit on the sidelines, and wait on the action to happen.

I think this is why my interest is in wedding and documentary photography. When I was in Africa, I enjoyed more than anything to sit and watch the kids reactions to us and vice versa. People would ask me if anyone was taking pictures of me, and once I returned, I found out they really hadn't. Which, honestly, is absolutely fine since I was make-upless and hair dryerless for 10 days.

But it has also come to my attention that if I do get to the point where I can really do wedding photography... like, really do it, not just be the tag-along second shooter like I'm striving to be now... I will actually have to pose people. The thought makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

I think that's why I love the work that Scarlett Lillian and Cheyenne Schultz do. No posey, "OK, now we're going to line up the bride's family. OK, now the groom's family." But still, this also creates its own challenges. What if someone ends up in a dark spot? What if someone moves? How do you get a bridal party of 15 to all look good simultaneously without saying, "OK, now, smile big!"

A friend of mine and I have both decided that when we get married, we will pick the photographer based on who can make us look good. I think I just want to line all of the photographers up and say, "OK, you have one shot, make me look hot. Whoever does, you're hired."

I promise I work, and here's proof...

A lot of people mock me for my usage and expertise in Facebook. The truth is, I'm slightly obsessed, and probably should give it up for New Year's. Except that I wouldn't have a life without it. It has become my main form of communication. I hate talking on the phone, my cell is a pain in the butt to text on, and I only e-mail those annoying people who refuse to get on facebook, such as a certain Young Adult pastor at a certain Carmel Baptist who shall go unnamed...

Anyway, people rag on me a lot about this, so a couple of weeks ago, I took a picture of a classic Amy workday, just to prove that I really do use Facebook for work:

But yesterday, sadly my computer and I were separated from each other for a half a day. There were no status updates, no checking in on friends, no harassing wall posts. I had to work away from my desk all morning. I got back to my desk in time for a quick Cupid Shuffle with Karen, and then kept going. We had an event last night for our golf sponsors, which was way more fun than it should've been. I got to play photographer for a while, and I think (think!) that I'm actually improving, which is way exciting.

(Yes, I realize they are napkins, but the other pictures that came out well were of people that might not want their faces on my blog. Sorry, folks!)

I told a photographer the other day that I get frustrated b/c I'm at the point where I can tell what makes a picture good and what makes it bad, but actually executing it in the moment is tough. A lot of my pictures were out of focus last night, and I realized the focus setting was wrong and I had switched the focus point to the right side of the frame early on in the night and had forgotten to switch it back. I then wanted to throw my camera across the room.

Anyway, last night I get home, and about 3 glasses of wine into it, I get a call from Jason, the President of Guys with Ties. Jason and I met a couple of weeks ago through CharlotteONE:, and he had presented Bethlehem Center to the committee for consideration as the beneficiary for their Halloween party for this year. My ex-boyfriend and several friends of mine had gone to this 2 years ago, when they were first getting started, and we had so much fun. I was very excited that even though this meant missing my friend Karen's Halloween party (serious bummer), it meant getting involved with a great event with a great group of guys for a great cause (can I say "great" one more time??).

Now, let me tell you that there have been times when I have really busted my butt to make one dollar at the Bethlehem Center, and there have been other times when things have just kind of fallen into place. And when those times that things have fallen come, I have to put the credit on God.

After talking his Jason's ear off about how funny it was that my work cell rang at 9 o'clock and it wasn't who I thought it was (seriously, people, 3 glasses of wine!), he gave me the good news. They picked us this year!

For all of you who don't have plans, yet, and even those of you who do, come out to Cans on Halloween. $10 cover, all proceeds benefitting the Bethlehem Center. :-)

Random ramblings...

I couldn't pick just one thing to talk about today, so I will talk about all of them.

First of all, it has come to my attention that I'm poor. It also has come to my attention that I have gone out to eat every day this week, so that is perhaps the reason I am poor. It will be ramen or scrambled eggs for the rest of the week, my friends.

Secondly, I picked up a third and fourth job, possibly. I'm trying to see how many jobs I can collect that might or might not give me a paycheck at the end of the week.

Some of you might already know, I am a regular blog stalker of an amazing photographer, Scarlett Lillian. Today her post made me so excited. It was about how sometimes you meet a guy (or girl, technically) that you just have that instant connection with. I keep being reminded of that connection, lately.

This week has been a string of insults, and it's starting to wear on me a little. Through a friend, I met a group of people a while back. Since I'm not close to any of them, I sat back and observed a little. The genuine love and concern they have for each other amazes me. I remember in high school being asked to stay in the hotel room with the "popular" girls for a chorus trip. They were so sweet and nice, but I noticed they had the same problems that my group of friends had. Anyway, not that I'm saying this particular group does, but just hoping I don't have "grass is greener" syndrome. Still, I hope that my friends are all supporting each other the way this group is.

I'm taking a week off in a couple of weeks. I'm so excited, since my vacation this year wasn't really a vacation (when I went to Africa). I'm going to the beach with my family at the end of the week, but for the first few days I'll be in Charlotte doing what I want, which mainly means making small repairs on the house (the hardwood replacement is still on hold until the new year, unfortunately). But I'm also looking forward to doing some fun times photo shoots. There are a couple of series that I want to do that I'm pretty excited I'll have time to finish. I know, I'm a nerd.

I guess that completes everything. Oh, and I'm working from home for the rest of the night. Trying to get crap done that has taken way longer than I expected it to. :-P

Current Bethlehem Center Needs

I never, never, ever do this, but now that my blog has gotten up to a big 7 readers, here we go:

1-Pumpkins and volunteers needed for Halloween Pumpkin Carving Party. We need approximately 150 pumpkins by October 29th for each of our kids to carve at this party. We also need volunteer supervision from 2:00-5:30 on October 30th. Volunteers MUST be background checked for this opportunity!
2-Santa suit for December 6th
3-Volunteers for the 2:30-5:00 shift of the golf tournament this Monday.
4-Money. Whether it's a $5 donation or a $5,000 donation, every bit helps the center out.

For more information about anything above, call me at 704-371-7404 or e-mail me at ahutchison@bethlehemcenter.org.

Losing Friends...

Besides people from high school, I have two friends who have known me for 11 years. They met me when I was 15 at a church camp. We have seen each other through college, relationships, ended relationships, marriage, and kids. We have grown from the kind of relationship you have between brother/sister, to the kind of relationship you have with a friend you've known and seen through just about everything. We aren't the closest we've ever been, but we still catch up every once in a while.

But in that same 11 year time frame, I have lost a lot of friends as well. I have lost them BECAUSE of college, relationships, ended relationships, marriage, and kids.

Recently, I was talking to a friend about a friendship that I might have to lose for a while so that we can regain a healthy one. And through reflecting on it, I have realized that this is the best way to go about things. And I realized that all of these friendships that I've lost over the years have had this same moment. This moment of me trying to make something work that doesn't. A friendship is still a relationship, and sometimes it's just as hard as or harder than a dating relationship to walk away from.

Random quotes from the Hutch

I totally didn't want to write an entire blog about this, so I had to title the blog that I wanted to write so that this would fit in... anyhoo...

Sitting at dinner the other night, I had a random Amy quote. It went something like this... "I told God that if He didn't let me date a great guy soon, I was going to start sleeping around. He hasn't responded yet. Probably because God doesn't like to be threatened. But maybe partially because He knows I'm bluffing."

So, this leads me to my next quote. A few days ago, my friend Arran and I were sitting discussing some life stuff going on. I have never made it a secret that I want to go back and get my masters. People ask me all the time why, and I really have no good reason, other than I want a higher ed degree on my resume', and I feel as if the bachelors is becoming the new high school diploma, so I want to make sure I'm prepared.

So, Arran and I are sitting and talking, and the conversation goes something like this:

"If I get fired, I'm going to become a missionary."-Me

"What kind of missions would you do?"-AK

"I dunno, I just would take that as a sign I should go into missions."-Me

"WHAT???"

Yeah, it made no sense at all. There was some more, including the discussion about the MBA. "Why do you want to get an MBA?"

"I dunno."

But a couple of weeks ago, there was another discussion that started randomly and actually turned into a great idea. As we were standing around, we had an event planner/fundraiser, a musician, and a graphic designer, all three of whom are close friends with a photographer. Hmm. What to do? We'll start a business!

I pitched my idea, which was a fantabulous one but if I told you I'd have to kill you. Mainly because parts of it might actually go through.

The one part that I will tell you is this. I've decided what I want to do for fun with the photography skills I'm (slowly!) picking up. I want to be an "official" event photographer for nonprofits. I would come out, shoot pictures for free (at least, in the beginning), publish a website of them, and event attendees could purchase pictures (with a percentage going to the nonprofit) and then give the rights over to the nonprofit to use for marketing materials.

So, if you know anyone who's interested....

Getting Personal...

Growing up, I often likened my life to that of a politician's daughter. We were always in the spotlight because of our dad's job, and always had to live our lives on the straight and narrow.

As the "rebelious" one of the bunch, I learned quickly that what I did would be heard by my parents at some point. I once drove to Pineville from Clover, only to run into a church member at the mall, and have my clutch go out on the way back home in Lake Wylie. Try to explain that one. And this was back before cell phones.

But since becoming an adult, I've realized that privacy isn't always a matter of caring what people think of you, but of making sure to guard yourself and your heart from other's misleadings. I don't often care what people think of me, unless I think it's not true.

But lately, I've realized that the opinions that people form aren't usually detrimental to my ego, but are detrimental to my following my heart.

Let football season begin...

Last night, my status update about SEC being the best football conference got Clemson fans all up in arms. I was greeted this morning by several updates talking about how ACC is the best.

Now, I will admit, Clemson currently has bragging rights over USC in terms of being the better team. You are ranked higher (well, you're ranked) and you beat us last year.

But please, do not act like you have even remotely the schedule as us. Do not act like if our record turns up worse than yours, it means you are a better team. Yes, we do have some "gimmes", such as Wofford, but do not try to act like you are in the better football conference.

Exhibit A: An SEC team is the most recent national champion, but the most recent ACC national champion is 2001 with Miami (to add insult to injury, Clemson doesn't even play Miami in standard rotation. USC, however, plays both LSU and FL)
Exhibit B: An SEC team has won the national championship two years in a row.
Exhibit C: The current number 1 team is an SEC team
Exhibit D: There are currently 4, count them FOUR SEC teams in the top 10. There is only one ACC team.

So, as you all are trying for bragging rites again this year, just remember that you might beat US at the end of the season, but don't even act like you could compete in the same conference as the big boys of the SEC.

Let football season begin...

The most wonderful time of the year is back...

That right, folks, not Christmas (although, almost as expensive) but football season.

Starting next week, I will be breaking my garnet out, clearing my Saturday schedule, and resting my voice during the week. That's right, it's a CAROLINA GAMEDAY.

This is also the time of the year where we, the most loyal fans of the NCAA (and anyone who remembers the lines at the Russell House even when we were 0-14 knows) have hopeful dreams of that SEC title. Where we puff out our chests and tell people that we will be top 3 this year. And where we hope (hope) that Steve Spurrier can prove that he can recruit a quarterback whose skill matches his kicker's. (Or, can we please at least consider Succop for quarterback? Just sayin'...)

Still, win or lose, know this. Come next Thursday, the campers will be out, everyone will break out their coolers, and all of the sudden Hand Picked will be running low on garnet earrings and necklaces.

So, here's a health carolina, here's to a Carolina FIRST DOWN, and here's to finding a scalper who will give you UGA tickets for $20 because you're in a black cocktail dress.

GO COCKS!

Finding Your Voice

When I was 15, I went to see the Charlotte Symphony with my dad. There was this jazz vocalist that sang, and that was when I decided I wanted to become a music major and sing a solo with the symphony.

My freshman year at USC, I got that chance. After a wonderful bout with mono that left me exhausted, roommate-less, and single, I decided to audition for the mezzo soprano solo in Bloch's Sacred Service. I had taken an incomplete in voice at this point because my teacher didn't want me around the other voice majors (go figure!) so this was really my first private performance since then. I auditioned, and beat out a senior for the part. If you want to know how big of a deal this was for me at the time, and still kind of is, the guy who got the tenor part is now singing with the Metropolitan Opera in New York.

Now, I had fulfilled my dream. I got up and sang in front of a packed Koger Center (not as big as Belk or Blumenthal, but I'll take it). Nerves cannot begin to describe what I was feeling, but I was so thrilled.

After that, I wanted to concentrate fully on jazz performance. I know that a couple of people reading this might have heard me sing, but I don't think anyone's heard me sing jazz. I mean, REALLY sing jazz. Not only do I love it, but I am good. And anyone who knows me knows that I don't say that sincerely very often. But, I was at a school where vocal jazz was neither studied nor taught. For the record... if you want to find out if a school teaches jazz, ask them what their definition of jazz is. If they say Gershwin, they don't make the cut. No offense, Gershwin. You know I love you and you've been with me for a long time.

So, fast forward to 2 years ago. My music degree was sitting on a shelf collecting dust, so I decided to audition for the Charlotte Symphony. Not knowing what the competition level of it would be, I came in with my most polished Faure... and killed it. In the very bad, can't get back on rhythm, trying to find the correct register kind of way. But then it came to the sightreading, and I killed that. In the good, put others to shame, use full hand motions and solfege kind of way (thank you Jay). So I made it in.

After a semester I had to quit because of my job, which required me to go to Tuesday night meetings in Shelby. I wasn't happy, I really enjoyed singing with the symphony. I felt like such a grown-up, being backstage of the Blumenthal with great conductors and phenomenal musicians. But when I changed jobs I still decided not to go back because of CharlotteONE:.

Sunday night, I went with a couple of the symphony girls to an Opera Carolina event. Yes, the nerdiness involved in just that statement is palpable, but we really are not that bad. Promise. They asked if I was coming back this season. Everything in me wanted to tell them yes. I would love to be back on stage. But, since I've made the commitment to CharlotteONE:, I don't want to leave that behind, either.

Over the past year, I have been trying to get plugged back into singing in a way other than Charlotte Symphony. I sang with Forest Hill, but couldn't make the commitment to the church. I have sent off 6 or 7 inquiries to sing with other places and with other groups, but they've either bounced back or just not been responded to. I haven't even gone on an audition since my symphony audition 2 years ago.

I will tell you honestly that I miss music right now so much it hurts. I pass by a piano, and am so scared that after 3 years of not playing, I won't even remember where my fingers go. And no, playing the piano is not like riding a bike. You really can forget. I know that I couldn't even begin to play the bassoon anymore, and haven't played the flute in 10 years. I was watching a guy play sax the other night, and thinking how I had always wanted to transition from bassoon to sax, and how fun that would've been.

I'm just wondering if anyone else knows what it's like to lose the ability to continue a lifelong passion like this.

When I came back, I knew there would be a little more of a culture shock returning than what there was going. I've been thinking for the past few days and trying to put my finger on why that is, and I think I can break it down a little better.



The day before I left, I talked to a friend who elluded to thinking there were some plans for my life that I thought were already thwarted. Dreams that I had already given up successfully were put back at the forefront of my mind. On top of this, the normal "drama" of American life was here and happy to greet me. The first couple days I couldn't put my finger on what to be upset about. I mean, a LOT happened while I was gone, and a lot of life continued the way it was before, too.



But now that I've had time to sort things out in my brain, I think I've figured out how to sum it up. People told me that Africa would be a life-changing experience. People told me that it would move mountains for me, that my entire life would be planned out, and that I would come back an entirely new "me." So, when I came back and my problems weren't solved magically, I think I didn't know how to take it.



But now that it's been a week, I think I can wrap my head around some things, particularly why that was the wrong attitude to take. I think that if you expect mountains to move big time, you won't be grateful when they just tremble a little. Going out of the country has put more of a fire in my heart to pursue and research international economies, which is something I had been dabbling with for a while. Many of you know my plans for grad school, but I couldn't put a finger on why. I still probably can't, but I know that if I put all of my focus in international economics, that would give me the passion to get through. I know, the conversion rates of the dollar probably make most of your eyes glaze over and the discussion of nationalized healthcare probably makes you sick, particularly since this year it has been talked about more than ever. But for me, economics has always been a combination of my two loves: numbers and politics.



Secondly, I came back to people whose lives had moved on more in 10 days than I remember their lives moving in 3 months. And for me, who basically put my life on hold for 10 days so that I could go, that was pretty tough to take. To say that I'm competitive is an understatement. Why do you think I'm in fundraising?


I don't want to give people the wrong impression. It wasn't that it was a bad experience or that I didn't enjoy it. It's just that now that I'm back, I'm trying to figure out what life is after Africa...

Size 6 is Not Fat

So, I love Meg Cabot for mindless, poolside reads. I mean, her stuff is definitely not intelligent (no offense, Meg, you know I love you), but it is fun. I got a friend of mine hooked on her Boy Meets Girl series, that uses a mixture of e-mails, letters, and other correspondence to tell a story.



The last of her books that I read was Size 14 Isn't Fat, Either. I didn't read Size 12 is not fat, but from the title I can figure it out. Particularly since my mindless poolside reads have also included Devil Wears Prada, which for anyone who has read the book or watched the movie knows, talks about how size 2 is the ideal for women.

Over the summer, though, I started getting pretty bummed about my weight. I am one of those weirdos (or normal people?) who gains weight that is not evenly disbursed. Very annoying. But I was noticing in pictures where the rest of me was starting to catch up. So when I was in Africa, I made the decision to suck it up and get a gym membership when I got back, if I could find one for $25 or less. So, the first day back at work, Peak Fitness was there with a huge sign saying, "Memberships $25/month." Yup. I'm a sucker.



So I got my gym membership, and along with it came a free personal training session. They did all of the measurements, weight, BMI, etc... And guess what? Even though my size 6 pants are loose, I was on the high end bordering unhealthy (but not quite there) according to my BMI.

For the past month, I have gone to the gym three days a week. I haven't lost any weight, which is extremely depressing, but my endurance and physical capabilities have greatly improved. A normal day now includes running 3 miles and the weights have steadily increased (I've been told that there's a point where women need to watch that, though, to keep a "womanly" figure.)

I'm very excited to go back and have my BMI checked again. But even more than that, I'm excited to start running and working out with people actually in shape.

I'm sure you haven't been asked that, yet...

"How was Africa?"

People keep asking how it was, and to sum up everything in a 2-minute speech has been very difficult. It was everything that I expected, and nothing that I expected. After a year of getting submersed in Africa education by two good friends obsessed with Africa, I knew of some things to expect. I knew it would be dusty. I knew there would be abandoned and broken down buildings. I knew that being white, I would stick out like a sore thumb.

But nothing could have truly prepared me for what I would see. In ways, none of it was huge to me because a lot of it I knew what to expect. Like when I went to New York, I realized that I worried way too much beforehand about safety. We got there, and while it was very difficult to put my trust in people I didn't know, I also never felt unsafe that I recall. OK, never mind, scratch that... maneuvering around spikes in the road at 10PM after just getting off the plane was slightly scary. Particularly since we had been warned that there would be guards everywhere that we went (for the record, I saw 3 the entire week.)

When we got to the orphanage, I have to say nothing really surprised me. The kids were just like kids here. Except quiet, and very well-behaved. Oh, and they spoke in adorable accents that almost always led me to have to ask about 4 times what they said. I am first and foremost a musician, so hearing them sing and worship was just indescribable and amazing. And then, like kids here, they just wanted time with us. Any time that we could spend talking and listening was amazing.

The first few days there, I spent really missing people back home. I left the walking Africa encyclopedia here, so I had a hard time not being able to pick up the phone and ask him what was going on. But as the week wore on, I gained more comfort with the children, and even asked their thoughts on the war. I wish instead of reading the newspaper or checking out the aol.com blurbs, I always could be lucky enough to hear the stories directly from the source.

I asked about their tribes, and how that effected them within the center. She said that as soon as they get to the center, they learn that they are now a new tribe. They are all one. Many of them do not speak their tribal language anymore. They are there to help out each other.

We were really shocked by that. In America, we explained, kids are doing anything they can to form tribes. Whether it's through a clique or through gangs, kids want anything to belong and feel as if they are a part of something bigger.

So, the obvious questions. Was it hot? No. It was freezing the entire week. And I'm not being sarcastic. The picture below is of Derek's feet. He was walking around in the mud and rain with these socks and boots on. It made us very sad.

'Cause I'm Leeeaaaving On A Jet Plane

I've been trying to wait until Sunday, as I'm sitting in the Charlotte-Douglass or in the Detroit Airport waiting on my flight, but I know that with as crazy as things have been over the past month, there's no way possible I can make it that long.

Jenn called today, and I didn't realize how far behind people really are in things going on. I guess I owe you all a pretty big apology for that, so, yeah, uh, sorry.

First off, I know it's really crazy to compare 2 weeks with 2 months, but I understand now a little more why Dave separates himself from the crowds before trips. Mine hasn't been because I'll be in a secluded area in Darfur, but because as I have been trying to pull everything together for the trip, I just haven't had time or even energy to keep up with everybody or everything. It's not that I'm trying to push people away, but that I just am not making an attempt to pull people in.

Secondly, thank you so much to everyone who has supported me, both emotionally and financially, for the trip. I feel like this has dragged on forever, so if it feels that way to you as well, I apologize profusely.

I can speak a bajillion times to the details of this trip. It has been insane. From making sure shots were timed just right to dinners to meetings, I have been so concentrated on getting prepared physically that I don't feel like I'm even remotely prepared emotionally. People keep asking me if I'm excited, and I can honestly say that I don't think it will truly sink in until I'm actually on the plane. For the first time Sunday, as we were standing on stage as a team (and sitting through 4 hours of church...) it started sinking in that this is actually going to happen. Wait. It's not here, yet.

People keep asking me what happened with my dog. Sorry for those that have already heard this, but the short story is that she had been pretty steadily declining in health over the past year. With the trip coming up, I just didn't feel comfortable leaving her with anyone who didn't have a 150% love for dogs. This led to questioning whether it was fair to leave her with anyone, particularly since in my heart I felt like this person would probably have to make the decision with my dad to put her down. So, after a long discussion and a lot of tears, we made the decision to go ahead and do it. In terms of how I'm doing, I'm honestly trying not to think about it, but there definitely is a different feel around the house right now. Molly and I are definitely missing something. Keep me away from puppy ads, I might be tempted to get another Border.

Robbye is graciously going to keep Molly, my Jack Russell. I'm hoping she will be able to see the sweet side of Molly, not just the hyperness that was her this weekend when they met.

So, here's the plan for the next week. Friday night my family is coming up for the going away dinner our team is having at the chuch. I was put in charge of it, so of course there will be a theme (something about coming together from different areas for one mission... still working on it). We are going to early service together on Sunday then taking a bus up to the airport. If someone wants to get my car from the church and park it safely at their house, I would appreciate it, but it's not necessary. We will be flying through Detroit and Amsterdam (note: Amsterdam is NOT a country, but it IS in Holland AND the Netherlands). We will be returning on the 6th (Dave, sometime you need to train me on the tricks of figuring out time changes) via a 24-hour layover in Amsterdam. Our flight gets in around 10PM Wednesday night.

Yes, there will be lots of pictures (3 x 5 glossy's for Matt). I will attempt to blog, because it's fun, but I'm not sure what the computer situation will be. I also have no idea what the phone situation will be, either, only that there is some way to transfer sim cards or something while in Europe, so if someone has tips, let me know (*cough* like people who used their Verizon blackberries in the mountains of Kenya *cough*).

All right, this has now officially become way too long for a 10-day trip. Just wanted to update y'all all at once. :-)

The website for the project: www.kenyaorphanageproject.org

Winthrop Photowalk w/Charlotte Photography Meetup

Yesterday I got the pleasure of doing a photowalk with about 20 Charlotte-area photographers (ranging from very novice... cough... me... to semi-professional and professional). Since I've been bugging Dave and Mike regularly for advice, I figured it was about time to go off and find others.

Andy, one of the leaders of the group, teaching three of the other girls. This would be my "four" except the composition isn't so hot.

The walk started out at Byrnes Auditorium, which was very trippy since that's where I first studied music, and ended at Rutledge, which was even trippier since that's where I took a photography class when I was 13. I tried to recreate the first picture I took, but unfortunately the site was covered in dog poop and I didn't really feel like torturing anyone that way.

Afterwards, we headed out to Carlos' Cafe, where I resisted the urge to whip out the camera and take pictures, but it was definitely a picture-worthy place. Even more ironic considering not a single person at the table would have judged. For the record, we definitely need to go back... the $14 pitcher of sangria had at least 20 glasses worth in it... I tried to contribute to the cause of depleting it, but finally after about 2 hours of working on it, defeat was admitted.

Here are a few of my shots from the day. You can search for tag CMPG0708Winthrop on Flickr to see what others got.

Taking Comfort in Saying Goodbye

Yesterday, I calmly walked into the PetSmart. My dogs, that are complete chow hounds, had run out of food again, conveniently this week. I walked back to the dog food section, picked up a small bag of food, and paused. Should I go ahead and get the big bag, anyway? I mean, it is 6 cents cheaper per unit. No. It's $10 more. I'll stick with the little one for now.

I made it all of the way up to the counter, and then glanced up and saw a picture of a border collie puppy on the wall. Tears started welling in my eyes. OK, you can do this. A couple of deep breaths, think about Molly, and you'll get through it.

I barely made it through swiping my cards and with a shaky voice answered with a quick "no" whatever the cashier had just asked. Then, ran outside to burst into tears alone.

I came downstairs after my shower on Tuesday morning, and Maggie had limped up to me. Smiling, like she always does, but still I just knew it was time. The dog can barely walk, and her only joy anymore is in seeing me, which she gets over in about 5 minutes and returns to her regular position, lying down and panting. A lot. Probably from pain.

4 years ago, when I took Maggie, I joked that I was "hospice" for her. She was pretty healthy at the time, starting to go blind and had a non-cancerous cyst, but pretty healthy otherwise. Still, we figured she would only last a few months without her brother. So, I was to take her, with a DNR order. Take the dog, but do not take extraordinary means to prolong her life. In other words, as long as she was happy, keep her safe and comfy, but as soon as the first thing happens that exceeds a couple hundred dollars, let her go.

And so now, as the cyst has completely firmed and spread so she can no longer walk, I have been trying to hide her condition from my dad. He's seen her limping a little bit, but hasn't seen her in the condition she's in, a three-legged dog.

But now, as I'm heading out to Africa, I knew I was going to have to turn her over into someone else's care. Whether it was a doctor or a friend, I could picture myself giving instructions, "Yeah, she doesn't ever go anywhere because she can't. It's a ton of struggle for her, too. Oh, and she might get diarrhea or throw up. That happens a lot. Don't worry, it just passes." Yeah. OK. That makes sense.

Still, I knew that if I were here, I could keep her alive. I can keep her alive as long as I want, and she'll just go naturally in her sleep. It'll be great. No problemo.

But then today, I found this article:
http://www.slate.com/id/2090327/

It described perfectly what I was going through, and said it was time.

I spent time yesterday with Maggie, taking final pictures of her. We walked around the block (really, I walked and sort of dragged her). And with every step, there was the resounding voice of, "It's time, it's time, it's time..."

Still, I just feel so guilty...

Why You Should Do It.

Do it for me.

Do it for your friend that asked you.

Do it for the fun you'll have.

But most of all...

Do it for them:

Do it because, despite all our best efforts, we still need a bus so they can go on field trips.

Do it because they need you as a role model.

Do it because it will help them see the bigger picture.

Do it so we can afford books that AREN'T leftover from when we opened in 1940.

Do it so we can bring our programs to all corners of the city.

Do it so kids can experience a FREE afterschool program.

Do it so kids who normally wouldn't can continue to experience places like Brazil and New York.

And if you do it. We will all get together on September 6th to...

Dance

Sing

AND HAVE FUN!

The 2008 Carolina Challenge

www.bethlehemcenter.org/challenge.htm

Just a fun blog

In the next couple of days, I'm going to have a really sad blog on here, so I figure I need to post a really funny blog on here.

As you all know, I will be heading to Africa in 11 days (woo hoo). We will be flying through Amsterdam. Here was a recent conversation that happened about Amsterdam.

"Where is Amsterdam?"-Me
"I think it's in Holland. I remember seeing pictures of Tulips when I've seen pictures of Amsterdam."-Jill
"And Holland's in the Netherlands, right?"
"No, it's just in Holland."
"No, the Netherlands is that region with the three finger-looking things. And those three fingers are countries. Holland, Sweden, and one other, I forget..." (If you know anything about geography, this is where you get to laugh at me)
"Oh... Yeah, I remember the three finger-looking things. But Netherlands is a country. And Amsterdam is in Holland. I'm pretty sure. I saw tulips. Tulips are known in Holland."-Jill (Picture her making hand motions in the shape of three fingers)
"Hmm... Well, is Amsterdam a country?"
"No! It's a city! That's why you're flying into it. Airports are named for the city, not the country."

(I think you get the point.)

Just for the record, Jill and I were both educated in South Carolina, specifically in the Rock Hill School District 3.

By the way. Netherlands ARE NOT the three finger-looking things, but it is a country. HOLLAND is a province in the country of Netherlands. And Amsterdam is a city in the province of North Holland.

Who thought of naming a country "The Netherlands." I mean, that sounds like a region to me!

Church Visits

Many of you know, for the past two weeks I have gone to several different services. I have a lot of friends at a lot of different churches, and there were a few that I hadn't tried out, yet, so I wanted to take some time to try some out.

What I found is that people get very very defensive of their churches, or other peoples' churches, for that matter. And not always for good reasons. Whenever I meet someone, I try to evaluate what they're looking for. Do you want contemporary or traditional? Why are you looking? What exactly are you looking for? Where do you live?

Then, I try to pair them up with a church (or several churches) near where they live.

So, after evaluating several different churches, I am going to tell you exactly when NOT to go to these churches, starting with my own, Good Shepherd:

• Good Shepherd (regular service, Sunday mornings): Do NOT go to this church if you aren't looking to go further in your walk. This church practices a philosophy to find one ministry within the church to feed you, one in which you can serve. Also, do NOT go to this church if you DON'T want a relationship with the people you are going to church with. This church offers so many ministries, small groups, and outreach opportunities, you are bound to meet new people within the church, and bond tightly with them. Do NOT go to this church if you don't want to learn more about the Bible. There is an in-house "seminary" where you take any where from the basics of the Bible A to Z to going further in the books of Revelation and Romans.
• Good Shepherd (Thrive, Saturday nights): Do NOT go to this service if you don't want to spend time with God. There is plenty of time and chance to both "rock out" and spend time really deep in prayer. Prayer stations are set along the wall where staff will come pray with you (or, you can give them the stiff arm like I always do!)
• Steele Creek Church: Do NOT go to this service if you hate other cultures. They put a huge emphasis on both overseas ministries (remember this is the church that "Voices of Sudan" came out of, but there are also way more than a dozen missionaries within that church), but also in ministering specifically to different cultures. They have several on-staff ministers for different cultures specifically. Do NOT go to this church if you do not want to get to know other people on an intimate level. Their homegroup style means that you will be pulled in, loved on, and have an immediate family.
• Arborvitae, Harrison United Methodist Church (Sat. night service): Do NOT go to this service if you are perfect. During the service, you have an opportunity to share your struggles within the community and realize that there are people other than you who have many of the same struggles. Do NOT go to this service if you don't want to spend more time with God. This emerging church is focussed on putting into practice what they preach, in lives upward and outward.
• Elevation Church: Do NOT go to this church if you don't want to rock out. Do NOT go to this church if you don't want to see people on fire for the Lord.
• Forest Hill Church: Do NOT go to this church if you don't want to do a lot of the above. This church not only rocks out (although, they let me on their praise team so obviously they don't have very high standards... just kidding), but makes honest attempts to connect people. The church is huge so you will have to take a little bit of initiative, but if you do, you will definitely be pleased with their LifeGroup philosophy, where groups come together for Bible Study and also do service projects within.

If you haven't figured this out, this is reversse psychology. ;-) I didn't write about all of the Methodist Churches in Charlotte I've been to, but I'll add those in later. :-)

My best critique

I posted the raw images (not to be confused with RAW images... just the unedited) from Saturday's Thrive performance on a photography site to be critiqued. Right now, as hard as it is for me to take, I like for people to critique.

Anyway, I got this critique on the site, and I thought it was pretty great. For the first time, it wasn't about f-stops or ISO's, it was about how to really shoot.

"... The fact that it was a Christian band was your goal. Highlight their clothing, the emotion of the singer, and even the crowd enjoy the praise and worship. That would have been my mission. You can do it. You understand exposure, atleast enough to pull this off. (just don't know if you know much about studio work or not.. that's all) Make sure to go in looking for a common thread, and not a hard drive full of pictures. You pics are good, but I'm sure you have much more in you to convey through your camera. Thinking about the sincerity of the people singing for God. Think about the passion they have. Not doing it for the money or the fame but to praise and worship. I'm writing a small essay, but this is what you want to think about the next go around. Don't sweat pixel peeping..(people do entirely too much of that.. I personally don't want to see another 100% crop!!! please), but what's your job. I had a great boss that would tell me that I didn't have anything to shoot, then don't shoot it. What are you trying to say with your camera? How are you using the elements involved to do that? What are the small details that will make people say "I never thought of that"? Composition and camera settings will be second nature after a while and your doing good job at it now."

Birth Order

As a middle child, things always look a little different. There have been many studies about birth order in life, but I haven't read any of them. So here's my take on things. Being a middle child means that you have to find your way to be special. The oldest is the oldest and the leader. They were around before anyone else, so they got the "alone time" with the parents (even though, in our case, it was only 3 years). The youngest is the last chance. They get the parents holding on to every memory. Graduation will be the final graduation, the wedding will be the final wedding (hopefully!), so they get that aspect of it.

From what I can tell (since my extensive research includes myself and one other friend), being the middle child means that you are extremely independent, but you also are constantly wanting attention and force your way into getting it.

But here's the thing that sticks out in my mind about growing up a middle child. I remember never picking the restaurant. Even when the whole, "It's Amy's turn" came up, I was always very tentative about it. I usually let Kelly and Megan decide, and hoped it would be something I could stand.

I remember this driving my college boyfriend nuts, because I did the same thing with him. I told him that it was because I would rather myself be miserable with the decision, because that was something I could control, rather than making someone else unhappy.

It seems as if I have carried this over into adulthood. In a lot of things I do, I get walked on because I'm afraid of making someone else unhappy. At a cookout, I calculate out carefully how much food or beverage I will eat and multiply it by three to cover others. I never take charge and plan events in case someone else doesn't want to do it. And decisions in general have become increasingly hard.

But lately, it's been more detrimental to my dating life than anywhere else. I'll meet a great guy, and immediately try to think of people for him to date, friends of mine who are single. I have dated a couple of guys that I didn't see things developing with, only to stick with it because they seemed more sure than me (yeah, ask me how that worked...), and most of all, I will step back when a friend says they're interested, because I would rather myself be miserable than for her to be.

Now, let me go ahead and put in a disclaimer. Many of you already know that my plan since about May has been to not date until I get back from Africa. This wasn't because I thought that going on a 10-day trip with a boyfriend back home would be hard, but because it put a finite timeline on getting everything ready and healed in my heart before I could move forward. I've already ignored that once which meant failure, so I won't ignore it again.

But I can still look back and see my mistakes. I can still see where I let others opinions get to my head, and stopped leading with my heart.

The definition of insanity is this... one who keeps doing the same thing expecting different results.