Finding Your Voice

When I was 15, I went to see the Charlotte Symphony with my dad. There was this jazz vocalist that sang, and that was when I decided I wanted to become a music major and sing a solo with the symphony.

My freshman year at USC, I got that chance. After a wonderful bout with mono that left me exhausted, roommate-less, and single, I decided to audition for the mezzo soprano solo in Bloch's Sacred Service. I had taken an incomplete in voice at this point because my teacher didn't want me around the other voice majors (go figure!) so this was really my first private performance since then. I auditioned, and beat out a senior for the part. If you want to know how big of a deal this was for me at the time, and still kind of is, the guy who got the tenor part is now singing with the Metropolitan Opera in New York.

Now, I had fulfilled my dream. I got up and sang in front of a packed Koger Center (not as big as Belk or Blumenthal, but I'll take it). Nerves cannot begin to describe what I was feeling, but I was so thrilled.

After that, I wanted to concentrate fully on jazz performance. I know that a couple of people reading this might have heard me sing, but I don't think anyone's heard me sing jazz. I mean, REALLY sing jazz. Not only do I love it, but I am good. And anyone who knows me knows that I don't say that sincerely very often. But, I was at a school where vocal jazz was neither studied nor taught. For the record... if you want to find out if a school teaches jazz, ask them what their definition of jazz is. If they say Gershwin, they don't make the cut. No offense, Gershwin. You know I love you and you've been with me for a long time.

So, fast forward to 2 years ago. My music degree was sitting on a shelf collecting dust, so I decided to audition for the Charlotte Symphony. Not knowing what the competition level of it would be, I came in with my most polished Faure... and killed it. In the very bad, can't get back on rhythm, trying to find the correct register kind of way. But then it came to the sightreading, and I killed that. In the good, put others to shame, use full hand motions and solfege kind of way (thank you Jay). So I made it in.

After a semester I had to quit because of my job, which required me to go to Tuesday night meetings in Shelby. I wasn't happy, I really enjoyed singing with the symphony. I felt like such a grown-up, being backstage of the Blumenthal with great conductors and phenomenal musicians. But when I changed jobs I still decided not to go back because of CharlotteONE:.

Sunday night, I went with a couple of the symphony girls to an Opera Carolina event. Yes, the nerdiness involved in just that statement is palpable, but we really are not that bad. Promise. They asked if I was coming back this season. Everything in me wanted to tell them yes. I would love to be back on stage. But, since I've made the commitment to CharlotteONE:, I don't want to leave that behind, either.

Over the past year, I have been trying to get plugged back into singing in a way other than Charlotte Symphony. I sang with Forest Hill, but couldn't make the commitment to the church. I have sent off 6 or 7 inquiries to sing with other places and with other groups, but they've either bounced back or just not been responded to. I haven't even gone on an audition since my symphony audition 2 years ago.

I will tell you honestly that I miss music right now so much it hurts. I pass by a piano, and am so scared that after 3 years of not playing, I won't even remember where my fingers go. And no, playing the piano is not like riding a bike. You really can forget. I know that I couldn't even begin to play the bassoon anymore, and haven't played the flute in 10 years. I was watching a guy play sax the other night, and thinking how I had always wanted to transition from bassoon to sax, and how fun that would've been.

I'm just wondering if anyone else knows what it's like to lose the ability to continue a lifelong passion like this.