Trying to find my way through the fear...

This week has given me a lot of time to think and plan.  And while some of this has included paying bills (I hate being an adult), and thinking about relationships and how I want them to move, I also came back to what has been haunting me for the past 3 years.

I know that I won't be happy with my career until I go back to grad school.  I know that I will always wonder where I could be, what I could do, and how I could be challenged.  I love my career, but it's not always a challenge.  I am always looking for the next step.

Many of you know, my supervisor was let go a few months ago.  They needed to cut a position in my department due to tough economic times.  So, here I am again, at the top of where I want to be.  And it brings me back to the fact that I still want to go to grad school.

But as I look at my bills and look at my relationships, those hold me back.  I've gotten to know some great people in Charlotte, and the thought of moving again scares me.  My house is less than 3 years old, and with the current market, selling the house to help pay for grad school, or taking out a second mortgage, might not be an option.  And although things should improve by the time I get ready to go, I still have to put myself in a good financial position to take the classes that I need to take to be competitive for application time.

So, I'm sitting here again, wondering what I'm supposed to be doing.  It scares me that I might not graduate from grad school until I'm 30.  And I know this is normal.  But it's not Amy normal.  Do you know I've always accomplished my goals?

Many of you have already read the blog I wrote about why I want to go back.  Studying international economic systems, specifically foreign welfare systems, fascinates me.  In a nerdy, I should probably get a life and quit boring people kind of way.  And politics fascinate me.  So, going into school and studying international economic systems and then serving as the economic advisor to a politician, whether mayor or President, would be an amazing, challenging, stressful job.  I simply cannot do this with a bachelor's degree in music from a state school.  

But I wonder if I could even do this with a master's degree from the top-ranked international business school in the country.  It is this fear that keeps me from moving forward.  What if I spend the $100,000 on the education simply to be sitting in a pile of student loan bills again with a job as a social worker?

Of course, I know that a masters in international business or economics is going to open a lot of doors, even if they aren't the doors I wanted open.  I'm just still fearful, as I'm finally digging out of my debt, of accruing more debt again.

Besides, what if I do go to Emory or South Carolina or London, and everyone is so much more intelligent?  Am I really prepared?

I feel as if I've been talking about this forever, and the timing still isn't right.  My goal was for fall of 2010.  I wonder if this will still happen...