Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them.

When I was in college, I lived on a sorority hall with 48 other women. Break-ups were pretty frequent. So, my sorority Big Sister would make these cookie cakes with a great big "boys suck" on them and we would rent movies, get some sugary sodas and pizza, and gorge on the cookie cake. Best therapy ever.

I had a philosophy on break-ups and how to get over them which I frequently shared with my sisters. Find one reason you dated, and one reason you broke up. Throw the rest of the reasons away. This helps you find one thing worthy enough of the guy to stay friends, but one thing that will keep you from having that desire to get back with him.

Since college, I've dated 4 guys, none of them very seriously. I've been seriously interested in 2 others that I never dated. And I continue searching for these reasons. But one of them, I haven't been able to give that consideration. I feel the hatred welling when his name is even mentioned. I can find a list of "break up" reasons for a list long enough to stretch across the Carolinas, but can't think of anything other than "I made a huge mistake." And what's worse than just hating him, I have this horrible attitude about a lot of the people who surround him. It drags me into this horrible place that I can't get out of.

Please pray for me. That I can forgive him, forgive myself, and find a way to be who I really am again.

Thoughts about last night

If you don't know what was last night, click here.

A couple of us "girls" were talking at dinner afterwards about how depressed we were about the message. It was upsetting.

In a two second summary, Voddie talked about how we should strive for families and to raise our children in good Christian homes. That discipleship should start at home first.

If you were a single woman sitting there last night, probably all you remember is the part where your number one job is to be a wife and raise the kids. And even for those of us career driven/career obsessed women, it made us a little sad.

Men, don't let the girls fool you. We all want to be wives and moms. Even that crazy girl that you think is just out to sleep around. She just wants to be loved. She just hasn't found the guy patient enough to learn what's inside of her.

So, I want an opinion.

I have two options (I will probably look into a third as well).

1-Keep everything the same, and have my car paid off in May
2-Transfer a high interest credit card into my car loan, and pay off my car and the credit card in 22 months, saving $150/month until May, but after that, adding $120+ per month from what I would've been spending without the car.

In the long run, option 2 would save me on interest if I paid the minimum payment, but option 1 would mean freeing up cash so I could make larger payments.

Thoughts?

I feel like the time for me to move has come.

But I'm not ready.

So you don't think I'm crazy...

Yes, I hate the mast to this blog, too.  I don't have any money to spend on a new blog, but I'm trying to fix this one so it's not so, er, unattractive.  So, I decided to try and fix the mast first.  I'm not insane with bad taste, I promise.  Just don't always know how to get my stuff to look like I have good taste.

Will post photos soon.  Promise.

After a lot of stress, debate, and wondering, I made the decision to go to the NoDa School of the Arts benefit this year for New Year's Eve.

I had two groups of friends throwing huge New Year's parties, and I felt like this decision was making me pick between them.  When it came down to it, I decided that it's time for me to settle down, act like a big girl, and commit.  And that meant going to the same party two years in a row.

Last night, on New Year's Day, a friend was having people over to watch the games.  Since USC had already made a miserable showing, my night consisted mainly of talking and catching up with people.  It was the same group of friends from New Year's, even though a few of them had done a midnight run instead of the party, but most of my night on New Year's had consisted of dancing and making my way around the room to at least say "hi" to everyone, so I looked forward to the chance to catch up.

As I was talking to one of my newer friends--we've known each other for about 3 weeks--the question, as it always is asked, of "where are you from" came up.

This is always a difficult question for me to answer, since at this point I could probably consider myself from Rock Hill, except for the fact that I graduated from Clover High.  Add in several moves before that, and I'm used to only being in the same spot for 4 years, max.

So, this new friend asked me a question right out that I can honestly say I had never been asked before.  "Do you find it difficult to make deep connections with people?"

And the pure and simple answer is, yes.

I love people, anyone who has ever met me knows this, but I have a hard time letting people in.  I'm usually ready to move on after a year or two, I don't like to get close enough that someone associates me with a "clique," and my longest relationship was 3 months.

So this year, as a New Year's resolution, I've decided to try and commit more, particularly with girl friends.  I've decided that, like my New Year's, it's time for me to be a big girl and let people in more.

Trying to find my way through the fear...

This week has given me a lot of time to think and plan.  And while some of this has included paying bills (I hate being an adult), and thinking about relationships and how I want them to move, I also came back to what has been haunting me for the past 3 years.

I know that I won't be happy with my career until I go back to grad school.  I know that I will always wonder where I could be, what I could do, and how I could be challenged.  I love my career, but it's not always a challenge.  I am always looking for the next step.

Many of you know, my supervisor was let go a few months ago.  They needed to cut a position in my department due to tough economic times.  So, here I am again, at the top of where I want to be.  And it brings me back to the fact that I still want to go to grad school.

But as I look at my bills and look at my relationships, those hold me back.  I've gotten to know some great people in Charlotte, and the thought of moving again scares me.  My house is less than 3 years old, and with the current market, selling the house to help pay for grad school, or taking out a second mortgage, might not be an option.  And although things should improve by the time I get ready to go, I still have to put myself in a good financial position to take the classes that I need to take to be competitive for application time.

So, I'm sitting here again, wondering what I'm supposed to be doing.  It scares me that I might not graduate from grad school until I'm 30.  And I know this is normal.  But it's not Amy normal.  Do you know I've always accomplished my goals?

Many of you have already read the blog I wrote about why I want to go back.  Studying international economic systems, specifically foreign welfare systems, fascinates me.  In a nerdy, I should probably get a life and quit boring people kind of way.  And politics fascinate me.  So, going into school and studying international economic systems and then serving as the economic advisor to a politician, whether mayor or President, would be an amazing, challenging, stressful job.  I simply cannot do this with a bachelor's degree in music from a state school.  

But I wonder if I could even do this with a master's degree from the top-ranked international business school in the country.  It is this fear that keeps me from moving forward.  What if I spend the $100,000 on the education simply to be sitting in a pile of student loan bills again with a job as a social worker?

Of course, I know that a masters in international business or economics is going to open a lot of doors, even if they aren't the doors I wanted open.  I'm just still fearful, as I'm finally digging out of my debt, of accruing more debt again.

Besides, what if I do go to Emory or South Carolina or London, and everyone is so much more intelligent?  Am I really prepared?

I feel as if I've been talking about this forever, and the timing still isn't right.  My goal was for fall of 2010.  I wonder if this will still happen...