I feel like the time for me to move has come.

But I'm not ready.

So you don't think I'm crazy...

Yes, I hate the mast to this blog, too.  I don't have any money to spend on a new blog, but I'm trying to fix this one so it's not so, er, unattractive.  So, I decided to try and fix the mast first.  I'm not insane with bad taste, I promise.  Just don't always know how to get my stuff to look like I have good taste.

Will post photos soon.  Promise.

After a lot of stress, debate, and wondering, I made the decision to go to the NoDa School of the Arts benefit this year for New Year's Eve.

I had two groups of friends throwing huge New Year's parties, and I felt like this decision was making me pick between them.  When it came down to it, I decided that it's time for me to settle down, act like a big girl, and commit.  And that meant going to the same party two years in a row.

Last night, on New Year's Day, a friend was having people over to watch the games.  Since USC had already made a miserable showing, my night consisted mainly of talking and catching up with people.  It was the same group of friends from New Year's, even though a few of them had done a midnight run instead of the party, but most of my night on New Year's had consisted of dancing and making my way around the room to at least say "hi" to everyone, so I looked forward to the chance to catch up.

As I was talking to one of my newer friends--we've known each other for about 3 weeks--the question, as it always is asked, of "where are you from" came up.

This is always a difficult question for me to answer, since at this point I could probably consider myself from Rock Hill, except for the fact that I graduated from Clover High.  Add in several moves before that, and I'm used to only being in the same spot for 4 years, max.

So, this new friend asked me a question right out that I can honestly say I had never been asked before.  "Do you find it difficult to make deep connections with people?"

And the pure and simple answer is, yes.

I love people, anyone who has ever met me knows this, but I have a hard time letting people in.  I'm usually ready to move on after a year or two, I don't like to get close enough that someone associates me with a "clique," and my longest relationship was 3 months.

So this year, as a New Year's resolution, I've decided to try and commit more, particularly with girl friends.  I've decided that, like my New Year's, it's time for me to be a big girl and let people in more.

Trying to find my way through the fear...

This week has given me a lot of time to think and plan.  And while some of this has included paying bills (I hate being an adult), and thinking about relationships and how I want them to move, I also came back to what has been haunting me for the past 3 years.

I know that I won't be happy with my career until I go back to grad school.  I know that I will always wonder where I could be, what I could do, and how I could be challenged.  I love my career, but it's not always a challenge.  I am always looking for the next step.

Many of you know, my supervisor was let go a few months ago.  They needed to cut a position in my department due to tough economic times.  So, here I am again, at the top of where I want to be.  And it brings me back to the fact that I still want to go to grad school.

But as I look at my bills and look at my relationships, those hold me back.  I've gotten to know some great people in Charlotte, and the thought of moving again scares me.  My house is less than 3 years old, and with the current market, selling the house to help pay for grad school, or taking out a second mortgage, might not be an option.  And although things should improve by the time I get ready to go, I still have to put myself in a good financial position to take the classes that I need to take to be competitive for application time.

So, I'm sitting here again, wondering what I'm supposed to be doing.  It scares me that I might not graduate from grad school until I'm 30.  And I know this is normal.  But it's not Amy normal.  Do you know I've always accomplished my goals?

Many of you have already read the blog I wrote about why I want to go back.  Studying international economic systems, specifically foreign welfare systems, fascinates me.  In a nerdy, I should probably get a life and quit boring people kind of way.  And politics fascinate me.  So, going into school and studying international economic systems and then serving as the economic advisor to a politician, whether mayor or President, would be an amazing, challenging, stressful job.  I simply cannot do this with a bachelor's degree in music from a state school.  

But I wonder if I could even do this with a master's degree from the top-ranked international business school in the country.  It is this fear that keeps me from moving forward.  What if I spend the $100,000 on the education simply to be sitting in a pile of student loan bills again with a job as a social worker?

Of course, I know that a masters in international business or economics is going to open a lot of doors, even if they aren't the doors I wanted open.  I'm just still fearful, as I'm finally digging out of my debt, of accruing more debt again.

Besides, what if I do go to Emory or South Carolina or London, and everyone is so much more intelligent?  Am I really prepared?

I feel as if I've been talking about this forever, and the timing still isn't right.  My goal was for fall of 2010.  I wonder if this will still happen...

Pamper Yourself for Cystic Fibrosis

Wednesday night, we got to have some fun and pampering at Modern Salon and Spa for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. For a $10 donation, we received hair consults, makeovers, massages, nails, etc... I was waiting on the boys to get there so I could get some pics of their nail polish action, but unfortunately they decided to opt for the massages instead.

Here are a couple of shots from the night:

I let something go on Monday. After a week of 3 major stresses, I decided to attack number 3. If it wasn't making me happy anymore, I had to fix it. So I dug in my heels, and I did.

It was hard in ways, easy in others. I wish it had worked out with everything in me, but I have to trust that since it didn't, the best is yet to come.

The Case for Giving to Nonprofits

It's that time of year. Everyone's in the giving spirit. And people start giving money left and right to charity, even in these hard times.

I, for example, will be attending 3 charity events in the next 10 days. Second String Santa, Beards Because, and Cystic Fibrosis Foundation will each be getting a donation from me, during a time where I'm having a hard time trying to make ends meet. It's sad, but true.

So, it wouldn't be me if I didn't tell you my peeves about this time of year. Everyone is throwing parties, making donations, and having a great time in the name of charity. And of course, I am totally psyched about that. But here's where I can have some issues...

1-Yes, it's great to go to a party and make a donation and have fun. But do one thing. Research the charity. When we did the Halloween party, we were handing out little info cards at the door. The cards had the Guys with Ties website and the Bethlehem Center website on it, as well as a cute factoid, "Your donation tonight sent a kid on an educational field trip." Most people just stuck it in their wallet (honestly, that's really all it was worth... stick it in your wallet and find it the next day and remember it). Some actually remembered. I actually met up with J after the check presentation for drinks, and when he introduced me to his friends as working at the Bethlehem Center, the guy goes, "Oh, yeah! You're the Halloween party!" That's half the point of it, folks. We want you to know who we are. But then, here's my peeve. We had one guy, as Jill was handing him the card, go, "I don't care who it's for. I'm just here to party." Wow. Seriously, you just said that to someone who works with the kids daily??? I hope that someone gets that card and researches what we do. I hope that someone decides they want to mentor one of the kids because they heard of us. I hope that someone ends up becoming a donor and helping support the programs. But at the very least, please just research the charity you're supporting.

2-People throw parties because they want to help needy families. This is a great premise! I love it! But then, they don't know who to help. So, they start their own toy center or clothing drive or whatever and give these things out to "needy" families. But let me make you aware of something. Salvation Army, Department of Social Services, Bethlehem Center, and other "Angel Tree" agencies work very very hard around Christmas time to cover the needy families in the area. This means two things. 1, we have a certain amount of families that we help, and sometimes struggle to cover those families and 2, we have processes in place to avoid duplication of services. So what does this mean? It means that those families you're giving toys to might be turning around and going to DSS or Salvation Army or Bethlehem Center and getting two times the "stuff", while our three agencies are still struggling to find donors for the families that didn't get sponsored at all. If you want to start your own party, I suggest you find agencies that really need the help. I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. I hate it when we lose money to those agencies that are telling me on the side, "We have plenty of money." GRRRRRR.... So glad we might not be able to send all of our kids to camp next year because your agency collected a grant you didn't need...


So, have fun, but do your research. Charity Navigator, BBB, and other websites can help you out, but won't have info about smaller nonprofits (BC is actually not listed on these, but I'm working on it).